Practical tips for staying the course of your own life.
No matter how tirelessly you work or how much you `achieve’, sooner or later someone comes along who shines so brightly in their success, creativity, vision, their good looks, talent, or their boldness, grit and determination that you can’t help but feel a bit blinded by their dazzling light.
It can happen at home, at work, with friends or while scrolling on social media. It can be a friend, a close team member, our partner, our boss or business partner, or even our child. It could be their promotion, a new vacation, a new degree, their intellect and savviness, their great body, perfectly selected wardrobe and youthful appearance, or a slew of other successes big or small. Sometimes you can't help but feel a sting of jealousy at their success - no matter how kind, sincere and well wishing for them you are.
Few things seem to knock the wind out of our sails like comparing ourselves to others. I can't count the number of times this has come up in a coaching session. And yet, Social Comparison Theory, originally developed in 1954 by psychologist Leon Festinger, tells us that to compare is human. This article from Psychology Today defines this behavior as follows:
Social comparison is a normal behavior strategy where we seek to better understand our status relating to ability, opinion, emotional reaction, and more, by comparing ourselves to other people.
Just as there are many triggers for this comparison, there are also many coping mechanisms. Some of us are confident enough in ourselves not to be bothered by others' (perceived) success and sincerely feel happy for them. Some of us cringe with jealousy or belittle others' achievements to make ourselves feel a little bit better. Some of us let ourselves feel small or a failure in comparison. Some feel a sense of injustice or start listing all the ways 'they" just had it easier in life. Others yet jump right back onto the hamster wheel with an “I’ll show them - I can do it even bigger and better" attitude. For some, that jealousy begins to consume our mind, to take us down rabbit holes of looping negative thoughts and get us stuck in a depleting comparison hangover, or spin us into frantic action in an attempt to just make that dreaded feeling go away.
What can you do when their success makes you feel less than in comparison?
Here are 7 simple ways to handle it:
1.Connect with your values
Just because someone is doing something "great" doesn’t mean you should too, unless you truly, truly want to. Leave peer pressure for high school (or middle school) and have the courage to start living life unapologetically according to your own desires and rules. Their goals are unique to them and may not be at all aligned with your own desires and values. Their personality is different. Their life story, their motivations, beliefs and even their emotional scars are different. For all you know, they themselves may be pursuing things for all the wrong reasons and still feel inadequate even having reached so many goals.
If you haven’t taken the time to consider your own most important values then reflect on these questions:
What values do I not want live my life without?
What are the top 5 things most important to me?
What do I love doing so much that I would do it for free or far into my old age?
How do I know that it’s my own value and not something borrowed, injected by society or by an authority figure?
2. Stay focused on your own destination
Imagine an airplane that is headed for New York. The captain boards while remaining mindful of all the passengers and crew, conducts all the necessary checks, and the airplane lifts off. Midway through the flight, the captain sees another plane pass by - a big lofty Airbus headed for Miami, and hears the roar of its big and powerful engines.
Captivated by the neighboring plane, suddenly the captain decides that New York is a lousy destination, their airplane sucks, and informs the control tower they would rather head for Miami in that other plane - because it is just better. Have you ever heard of a captain doing that? Or have you seen a captain suddenly want to turn the plane around and just go back because they're just not sure about New York anymore (except in an emergency situation, of course)?
No matter how many lofty planes pass by, or how appealing their destinations, the captain remains steadfast in maintaining the course to the agreed upon destination. The captain navigates and adjusts, navigates and adjusts, remaining in partnership and communication with the the control tower, the crew and the passengers.
The planes pass each other in the sky, however briefly, each with their own unique destination, unique crew and its set of passengers. It is senseless to compare the two because, aside from both being airplanes, these two have little in common and it is highly unlikely that two of them are headed for the same destination at the same time. Even if they were, the two airplanes are different machines, the pilots are different, have different mindsets, different experience and must each deal with their own unique set of circumstances they encounter to bring the plane to its destination.
Get busy flying your own plane to your destination. Divert, if the circumstances so require, and if you do realize that you're headed for the wrong destination then change it - and chart your course towards a new one.
It is time to stop worrying about the other plane now!
3. Give yourself permission to be human
The more time you spend on the comparison or the envy bus, the less time and energy you have to enjoy where you are. You become emotionally drained and it takes you out of our place of true power and focus. Acknowledge that in this moment, you succumbed to a common human experience, social comparison, and give yourself permission to feel whatever emotion you are feeling, jealously included. Emotions, someone once said, are just "energy-in-motion" and most don't last longer than 90 seconds if you just let them be rather than numb and cajole them.
Rather than trying to repress the feeling or mismanage it, get curious and confront reality:
Wow, I'm feeling really...
What's it like to feel this? Where in my body am I feeling this?
What is this feeling here to tell me?
(And one of my favorite coaching questions): What does this feel need to be at peace?
4. Extract the learning
While we are all on our own path of growth and development and not here to be a replica of someone else, it may be helpful to reflect and see what the others you are comparing yourself to are doing that you could actually learn from.
Perhaps they have mastered being authentically themselves. Perhaps they finally learned how to truly focus and manage their time. Perhaps they upleveled their skillset, finally broke free of societal rules and decided not to let the nay-sayers hold them back any longer. Maybe they had a health scare, which reminded them how precious the time we spend walking this planet really is, and they’re now here to maximize their time and impact. Perhaps they have a vision of a better tomorrow and are relentless in bringing it to life.
Consider what it must have taken them to get to where they are, how much work, learning, grit, cleverness, determination, and perseverance it required of them. Admire that for a quick minute instead of stewing in negativity; be sincerely happy for them and for the person they had to become. If you can't be happy for them, how will you remember to be happy for yourself?
What can I learn from this?
What seems to be the key to their success?
In what ways could they be a role model to me?
5. Find your next growth opportunity
Marianne Willamson once famously said:
“...It is not our darkness but our light that scares us the most”.
Reflect on areas of your life where you could shine a little brighter. Perhaps the reason others' success stings is because deep inside you know that you are not living up to your own potential. Have the courage to ask yourself:
Where in my own life am I holding back, playing small and not shining as brightly as I could?
What dreams and goals have I pushed aside?
What glass ceiling have I built for myself?
What would it take to shatter that ceiling?
What would my best year yet look like? (If you need help thinking about that then listen to my guided visualization on this here - please listen at a low volume)
If you feel stuck or need support getting started with your goals then it may be time to talk to a coach, or someone else who can listen and support you.
6. Activate positive-self talk and celebrate more 🥳
Perhaps one reason that others’ success is difficult to take in is because you, like me, still find yourself tempted to visit Not-enough-ville. Perhaps your own inner self talk can be quite harsh and you would never speak to another the same way that you do to yourself.
Perhaps after accomplishing something you quickly grab the wet blanket and diminish it, or promptly conduct a harsh performance review on yourself, mostly seeing the mistakes you made or the ways you missed the mark. Whose script is that? Yours or someone else's?
One thing that consistently surprises me in coaching is how often clients giggle very uncomfortably or physically readjust themselves in their seat at the idea of celebrating something about themselves. When they do find something - they often don't want to own it. How very fascinating!
Maybe we fear that our ego will grow too big from a nice word, or that one kind word to ourselves will mean we forever lose focus and motivation to continue striving. Some clients tell me they weren't taught to celebrate and that it feels uncomfortable. Everything new that we ever learned was uncomfortable at some point, including walking and communicating, and yet here we are!
Let others' success be an invitation to go within and celebrate the many big and small ways you have changed and grown - and let it fuel your motivation.
Reflect on your achievements and consider what it must have taken for you to achieve what you achieved, how much work, learning, grit, determination, and perseverance it required of you! Admire yourself for a quick minute instead of stewing in negativity and be sincerely happy for yourself, and for the person you have become to get to where you are.
In what part of your life do you minimize your accomplishments or forget to celebrate them at all and fixate on the next goal instead?
Some simple questions to ask here might be:
What did I do well in this situation?
What can I celebrate about myself/ What am I most proud of? If you need extra help (like I did), turn that question into a weekly calendar task.
How have I grown? What gives me a feeling of pride as I look at my life? (Nothing is not an acceptable answer here)
What kind of person does it take to do ... ?
What does that say about me?
What were my keys to success in this situation?
What's a small or big way I could show appreciation to myself for this?
Summary
Remember, it's okay to feel a twinge of jealousy now and then—it's a natural human emotion that undoubtedly helped our ancestors survive cave life and assess real threat of attack. But instead of allowing it to consume you, use it as a catalyst for your own growth and self-reflection. Success is unique to each of us - like our fingerprints. Channel that energy into understanding your own desires, values, and aspirations, become your own cheerleader and build a life on your terms, which lets you fly your plane to your own and unique destination. As you journey forward, let the success of others serve as inspiration rather than intimidation, and let yourself shine even more brightly!